This was originally published via Substack and arrived on this blog a month later. Subscribe to get my newsletters in your inbox as soon as they get published!

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Happy new year! (And happy lunar new year to those who celebrate!) This month has largely been a month of travel and rest (I’m currently writing this newsletter from the Philippines), but I’ve also officially started working on a new project and I’m waiting on edits for my YA dark academia horror, which should be coming very soon.

As excited as I am for what’s to come in my publishing journey, I’m also reminded a lot these days of what jealousy feels like. Back in my #techtok creator days, I made a video talking about how jealousy isn’t necessarily a bad thing and, while I still stand by that statement today, I feel the need to acknowledge now that it’s not really a good thing, either.

This will be short and sweet (I don’t have the time or brain cells for anything long), but I hope it’s still a decent, entertaining read.

Is career jealousy a bad thing?

In my #techtok video all those years ago, my answer was a resounding “no.” Now, I’m not so sure.

Back then, jealousy helped me realize that I’ve never cared about anything as much as I cared about writing. Seeing people in the tech field getting dream jobs and promotions made me feel nothing. But seeing published authors on my For You Page would make my insides writhe in agony. In fact, I didn’t read a single book for fun in college because I couldn’t stand to read other people’s writing when I had no time to do any of my own.

Recognizing where my jealous energy was being directed was, as stupid as it seems, revolutionary for me. Of course, I’d always known that I wanted to be an author, but I also mistakenly believed in college that I could leave that dream behind. Starting to work full time in the tech industry shattered that belief. I was miserable. Until I started listening to what my jealousy was telling me and started writing again.

So, I thought jealousy was a good thing. It guided me back to what makes me happy. It ended my misery.

And then… I started pursuing publishing in earnest and the misery came back.

When jealousy stops being good.

Everything about my return to writing was great and brilliant until I realized that publishing doesn’t want my book. I watched other writers get offers of representation, go on submission, and land book deals while my own career seemed to be stalling before it even had a chance to begin. These observations brought along a new kind of jealousy. This time, rather than being jealous of other people for doing what I wish I was doing (something I can very much control), I was jealous of other people for getting opportunities that I wasn’t being offered (something I very much cannot control).

One of my best friends (hi, you know who you are <3) got a whopping FOUR agent offers while my first book was dying a slow death in the trenches. Was I happy for her? Of course! She worked so hard to get where she is now and her book is brilliant. I knew from the moment I read her first draft that this book was going to be The One. But did it still hurt a little to not be able to have that milestone for myself? Yeah. I think we can admit that feeling jealous of our writing friends for landing opportunities before we do is a normal thing.

Just don’t let that jealousy get in the way of your friendship. Which I know can be harder to do than it is to say.

Eventually, I wrote another book. And I landed an agent. But the jealousy didn’t stop there. In fact, it might have gotten worse.

Seeing announcements of books selling for hundreds of thousands of dollars leaves a bitter taste in my throat. Hearing about people’s unicorn submission journeys makes me want to sink my teeth into the dirt.

Don’t get me wrong, I am genuinely happy for my friends who are debuting and landing book deals. I’m so happy for them that my heart could burst and I proudly display their published books and ARCs on my bookshelf. I shout about their successes from the rooftops. I can be genuinely happy and excited for them because, despite everything, I know that they are not my competition. They are my peers.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t stop me from wishing that I could be celebrating those milestones for my own book, too.

Maybe I will be. Maybe I’ll get everything I’m dreaming of sooner than I think. Or later than I think. I don’t know. There’s no way of knowing.

What I do know is that this kind of jealousy is not productive. I’ve seen friendships in the writing community be torn apart because of jealousy, because sometimes it’s hard to be happy that others who boarded the publishing train at the same time as you are getting off sooner. And I may not know a lot of things, but I know for certain that I don’t want any petty feelings to get in the way of my friendships.

The end.

I rambled quite a bit towards the end there, I think.

TL;DR jealousy can be both a good thing and a bad thing. It can guide you towards the paths that will make you happy, but it can also destroy your sense of self-worth and ruin relationships. Be aware of your jealousy, but don’t let it control you.

Very rudimentary takeaways, honestly, but I hope you enjoyed reading if you got to the end. And I hope your year has been going okay so far. See you in February. Fingers crossed the world doesn’t implode before then.